


No Turning Back

by Janusa



Series: Happily Ever After [2]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Conflict Resolution, Getting Back Together, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Lightwood Siblings Feels, Miscommunication, Multi, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Saia has a bigger arc than I planned, shouldn't be surprised
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-23
Updated: 2018-11-23
Packaged: 2019-08-28 01:45:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,490
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16714168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Janusa/pseuds/Janusa
Summary: Careful what you wish for.Magnus had finally gotten what he wanted. Then why he felt like he had failed?Alec had signed up the divorce papers but Magnus could not bring himself to do the same, making up different excuses everytime he was about to give the final step.Maybe they still had one last chance to make things work.Love was never the problem… but love was not always enough.





	No Turning Back

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to the most amazing and patient beta in this world; @Lillithorn.  
> Based off Lecrit's prompt.  
> Find me in Tumblr: @janusa

"stay is a sensitive word.

      we wear

           who stayed

and

       who left

                         in our skin forever."

 

Nayyirah Waheed, Salt.

# 

Alec stormed out of the loft, fury clouding any reasoning. It wasn’t until he stepped out of the building and the cold air of the night hit him in the face that Alec realized he hadn’t taken anything with him but his cell phone. Not even his wallet.

Now, what was next? He couldn’t go back to the loft. Not after what had just happened.

He took a deep breath and started to walk down the street. There was no time to waste as he felt the night getting colder and Maia's apartment wasn't that close.

Alec knocked twice before he heard movement at the other side of the door. 

“Alec?” asked Maia with a confused expression. “What are you doing here, it’s late… and you are freezing, where’s your jacket?” 

Maia hauled him inside the apartment and just then he realized that he was trembling. Maia rubbed her hands along his arms, trying to warm him up. She was always so protective, which almost made Alec smile.

When a minute passed and Alec still was silent Maia lifted up her face to look at him. “Alec… talk to me, what’s wrong?” her voice was low and infused with the tone she used to talk to victims. 

Alec hated it, he wasn’t a victim. If anything, he was the culprit.

“Hey, Alec! You are visiting us, is it Christmas?” Simon greeted him when he entered the living room with a bowl of cereal in his hands. Alec just wanted to ask him to leave, even though this was also Simon’s home.

“Man, are you…?” Simon must have noticed his pathetic condition because he stopped mid-sentence and then added, pursing his lips. “No, you are not.”

And that was the biggest understatement.

Alec was pacing from one side to the other of Maia’s living room. He felt like a caged animal, not knowing where to go. Except that he had a place to go back to but he didn’t want to.

“So, let me see if I got this right. Magnus started the divorce process without telling you?” Asked Simon, he sat on one extreme of the couch and Maia on the other, their feet were touching and that casual intimacy made Alec’s heart aching so he looked to the blank wall behind them.

Alec ran his hand through his hair and it felt greasy. “Not exactly, we talked about it but never made the final decision.”

Simon hummed and rearranged his glasses from where they were falling on the bridge of his nose, thinking so loudly that Alec wished he would say whatever was on his mind.

“I’m sorry, Alec,” said Simon finally.

Simon felt bad, even useless at that moment. He hadn’t an answer, a solution to what his friend was going through. No matter how much he thought about it, there weren’t words that would make it better or right.

Simon knew how much Alec loved Magnus, how much Magnus loved Alec. Theirs was a love of fiction, like Han and Leia. When he saw them he felt dreamy and slightly envious, he aspired to have a love like theirs. He wasn’t sure if Maia and him were like that but he loved her more than anyone in this world. And it was for that that he could understand, theoretically, how Alec was feeling.

Alec looked sleep-deprived, there were bags under his eyes, and even though Simon had just seen him yesterday, he also looked thinner, shorter. As if the weight of the world were on his shoulders.

Maia stood up and wrapped Alec in a hug. Simon would have hugged him too but he didn’t know if his hug would be welcomed since he wasn’t that close to Alec. They were friends because he was Maia’s boyfriend and also practically brother of his, now, sister-in-law. Also, they worked in the same precinct. Thus, Simon silently left the room for Maia and Alec to talk things out without him around.

Simon went to the bedroom he shared with Maia and opened his sock drawer, and took out a little box that was at the back, covered by a pair of socks. Inside, there was a ring. He had had it for a while. Clary was helping him prepare the proposal.

But now, watching his real life OTP falling to shreds he starting having doubts. He played with the leather box in his hand. Maybe marriage wasn’t the best option. 

He wanted to spend the rest of his life with Maia, he was sure of that but they didn’t need to get married for that, right? 

_ No, but you want to _ . Yes, he wanted to call Maia his wife and do all the things married couples did… whatever they did.

But married couples also fought and sometimes they divorced.

Simon took out his cell phone from the back pocket of his jeans and thought about texting Clary, then thought it better and put it on the dresser No, she was newly married and on her honeymoon. Simon couldn’t bother her with divorce and doubts about marriage.

He returned the box to its hideout and closed his eyes. “Don’t overthink it, Simon, don’t overthink it. Everything is gonna be fine, you’ll propose and Alec and Magnus will be the sappy but badass couple they have always been.” Simon murmured under his breath and then repeated. “And you’ll propose.”

Magnus never felt more grateful about how demanding work could be in his life. He needed to go on a two-week trip to meet personally with some possible investors.

The idea of putting earth, water and a continent between him and Alec was welcomed. After that thought Magnus felt a pang in his chest, he couldn’t identify if it was caused because he would be away for Alec or because he _ wanted  _ to be. 

He started to pack, turning on the TV so the noise would fill his mind, distract him from looking memories in every suit or shirt, he should just throw away all his wardrobe and buy a new one. 

Magnus shook his head, Alec used to go shopping with him, he wasn’t sure if he was ready to go out of the dressing room and not find Alec waiting for him to comment on his election or just watch him with desire in his eyes.

If the idea was not to think about Alec, he had failed tremendously. Magnus still had two hours until he had to leave to the airport. He hadn’t told Alec that he was leaving yet, Magnus wasn’t able to bring up himself to call or text Alec. He might answer and then Magnus would have to talk to him. Probably Alec won’t even notice he was gone.

Magnus was waiting for the elevator, suitcase in hand and fiddling with the handle. All he left was a note over the vanity, in case Alec came back home or for his belongings.

_ On a business trip. I’ll be back in two weeks. _

_ Magnus. _

Magnus wondered if stop loving Alec would be as easy as it was falling in love with him. He doubted it.

Alec had always occupied his mind with lots of work when he needed to distract his mind or focus on something that wasn’t his own thoughts. It seemed like some of that had rubbed on Magnus, for it was exactly what he was doing at that moment. The good part of it, the deals were closed in the less time than the expected. The bad part,  now he had too much free time to think. The investors insisted in him staying the two weeks as it was the initial plan and give Magnus a proof of their hospitality.

The hotel where he was staying was nothing less than a tropical paradise. Magnus enjoyed sitting in the white sand of the private beach and read with the seagulls and voices as background. The water was so clear that he could see every single rock and fish.

The panorama was too beautiful to be real, everything he needed. Magnus looked into the immensity of the sea and, for a fleeting moment, he thought he could heal in that place.

During the time he was away, Magnus started writing letters to Alec, even if they would never be delivered and read, it was cathartic in a way he didn’t expect it to be.

Some days he would write him three or four letters, others none at all. Magnus told him about how he was doing, what he was doing as if he were sending a letter to an old friend, though now they weren’t even that.  In others, Magnus complained and poured his heart out, asked Alec all the questions he didn't ask when they were together. Yes, because they  _ were  _ and now they were  _ not _ .

Magnus sat at the desk of his hotel room, he would leave to the airport in forty minutes and everything was ready. There was time enough for him to write the last letter for Alec, he had lost count of how many letters he had written at this point.

Magnus looked through his window, the beach was visible from there. He sighed, wishing Alec had been there. Alec loved the beach, no matter how much he complained about sunburns and ‘looking like a shrimp’.

Magnus chuckled at the memory. The good times seemed so far away.

Alec didn’t want to think about how pathetic was his situation. But in nights like these — when he woke up in Maia’s sofa, breathing irregularly and he extended his hand just to find air instead of Magnus’ warm body— he thought he wouldn’t be able to do it. The idea of a life without Magnus seem empty, devoid of color, joy. 

He tried to get to a comfortable position on the couch but it was useless. 

This was his fifth night at Maia’s. Alec had gone back to the loft the posterior day for some clothes when he knew Magnus wouldn’t be there. He was aware that he’d have to face Magnus at some point. Probably doing it at 01:50 am of a Wednesday wasn’t the best idea but at least he was sure Magnus would be home.

He walked home, it wasn’t an exactly close; Maia’s apartment and the loft, but he needed to think what was he going to tell Magnus thoroughly, he couldn’t lose his temperament again. They wouldn’t get anywhere screaming at each other.

When he entered the loft, all the lights were off, which didn’t surprise him given to the hour. He turned on the lights of the threshold and living room to alert Magnus that he wasn’t a thief or similar. 

The loft looked the same as the last time he had been here, and it was stupid to think it would be different, it had only been three days. However, there was  _ something _ different in the atmosphere. It felt empty, uninhabited. 

Alec walked straight to the bedroom, procuring to be as quiet as possible to not wake Magnus up or scare him. He wasn’t sure yet of how he would react to seeing Alec after three days. Not happy, that was for sure.

Magnus wasn’t in the bedroom either.  _ Strange. _ He never stayed until that late working. Alec went and turned off the light switch. Something in his peripheral vision caught up his attention, something out of place, the detective in him coming out.

A paper over the vanity. Alec rarely used it, it was mainly Magnus’ space and he always kept it immaculate, not a single thing out of place even in the days he was leaving late for work. His husband had a  _ thing  _ about order.

_ Husband.  _ Yes because Magnus was still his husband and if it was entirely on him he would be it for the rest of their lives.

But relationships are not one person matter and their marriage was  _ not  _ entirely on him.

Alec took the note and had to read it three times to understand what was happening. Magnus had left? He made the paper a ball in his fist and throw it away with such force that felt his shoulder joint whip.

He walked backward until his knees hit the bed and let himself fall.

Alec gritted his teeth and clenched his hands into fists over the silk bedsheets, the smoothness of the fabric infuriated him even more. He didn’t even like silk, it could look fancy but it wasn’t practical, especially to sleep; it was too slippery, too presumptuous, too cold. Alec was cold most of the time, he didn’t need his bedding cold as well. 

He lied down on the bed and buried his face on a pillow, inhaling deeply, his body instantly relaxed with the familiar smell of Magnus’s favorites bath salts, lemon, and lavender.

Alec realized, at that moment, his anger was gone as well. Without the anger to keep at bay his other emotions, intrusive, more depressing thoughts about Magnus took its place. He never felt cold, not when Magnus was next to him, providing with his body warmth, but Magnus wasn’t in the bed now and when he remembered why his blood boiled again.

Alec wrote a note and left it over the vanity, where the other had been. Then went for a bag and took a look to the clock, 04:06 am. It’s never too early for work, right?

Surely it was too much from Magnus to expect a ‘welcome home’ party. Even then he couldn’t help have a little hope. However, he didn’t find Alec laying on the couch and reading a book while he put chip after chip absently in his mouth when he entered the loft, nor sat on their bed, reading through cases files or finishing reports.

His shoulders before the idea of another night alone, no one to put his heavy weight over you. He began to unpack. Lately, everything he did was on automatic, not really paying attention to things but the work was enough to numb his mind. What he found startled him or to be more specific, he was startled by what he didn’t find.

There was an obvious blank space on the closet where before were Alec’s shirts.

Magnus didn’t notice his hands were trembling until the drawer he was sustaining started to hit against the wood of the closet. He stepped back until he hit the chair and fell sat. Alec had clearly been here.

Magnus suddenly remembered about the note he had left and it was enough to wake him up from his shock. Magnus was surprised with a different note in the place of the one he had left.

_ I’ll come back for the rest later. Call me, we need to talk. _

Magnus’ stomach clenched. This was bad, so bad.

Magnus was a coward. He didn't have the courage to call Alec, so he sent a text and their conversation was so… rigid. Magnus had had longer and more exciting conversations with Raphael and that said a lot. 

All they did was set a date and place. Alec didn't ask about how had been Magnus’ trip and Magnus didn't offer further information either. 

When the day of their meeting came Magnus was beyond nervous. 

He stared at his reflection in the mirror. He looked exactly how you would expect from someone who just came back from a trip in the Caribbean; the dark circles under his eyes were gone thanks to makeup and his skin shone, beautifully tanned.

He looked amazing, the total opposite at how he felt. 

“Who are you trying to deceive with this?” Magnus wondered. “Alec or yourself?”

He looked at the post-it stuck in a side of the mirror for the umpteenth time. 

Magnus didn't have an answer.

It had been two weeks since they had seen each other. Two weeks since their fight, or how Alec called it in his mind,  _ the fight. _

He arrived to the coffee shop, one in which they never had been before and Alec knew he would never come back, the memories were too bad already. 

He was fifteen minutes early so he could sit and go over what he would say. Alec stopped in his tracks when he saw Magnus sat in one of the tables in the corner. He swallowed, even when his mouth felt dry. Alec straightened up and squared his shoulders. He had to do this, it was his last chance.

Alec cleared his throat, not quite sure of how he should greet him.

Magnus jumped in his seat, unaware of Alec’s presence. He was wearing a suit and his hair was neatly styled with product. 

Something sank in Alec’s stomach. Magnus looked stunning as always and the thought that their time apart didn’t affect him hurt. Alec couldn’t even sleep properly without waking up in the middle of the night, thinking about his life. Remembering the times before he met Magnus, everything seemed so… trivial,  _ colorless  _ in comparison.

Alec sat in the seat in front of Magnus, bumping his knees against his. It was a common occurrence every time they went out for dinner, both being tall men, their big frames bumped into the reduced space of the tables and booths. 

Alec greeted him with a quiet  _ hi _ and Magnus answered with a nod of his head.

There was an uncomfortable silence. Alec wondered since when their silence had begun to be uncomfortable. Magnus took a deep breath and closed his eyes. “You wanted to speak. Speak then.”

Alec pressed his lips tight together. Not even a ‘hey, sorry for leaving without notice’. Alec bit his tongue, this wasn’t time for rebukes, they could talk about it later but first, Alec needed to fix this.

“I wanted— want to talk about the divorce.”

Magnus tensed in his seat more if it was possible. 

“What about it?”

“Well, firstly, it  _ is _ happening. Secondly, I don’t want it to.”

“Alec we have talked about this before an—” 

“I know the process has initiated but is not definitive.” Alec took Magnus’ hands in his and caressed them with his thumbs. “I’ll be better, Magnus. Just give me another chance.” 

“I’m sorry, Alec but it is definitive.”

Alec didn’t know what hurt more; that Magnus pulled his hands away or his answer.

His breath hitched. He had fathomed the possibility of this answer but tried to push away the thought. They loved each other, so much and had always overcome any difficulty. Until now.

Magnus fidgeted with his wedding ring, rolling it in his finger. Alec feared for a moment he would take it off.

“Alec, we have talked about this. Let’s get done with it. It will be the best for both of us.”

Alec could barely hear Magnus’ words, he was focusing —maybe a little too hard— on his breathing. 

“Maybe for you but not for me.” Alec lashed out. He knew he probably sounded ridiculous or immature. Each time he said something immediately regretted it and his mind replayed it a hundred times, a hundred mistakes. A hundred more reasons for Magnus to not stay.

Magnus sighed, the exhaustion was visible in his face and posture but also in his words, in the way he held his breath and the pause he made before speaking. “I don’t want to keep pretending we’ll be fine when I know… we know we will not.”

“It’s now you  _ and  _ me. You keep telling me that  _ you  _ will fix it that  _ you _ will make it better. Alexander, I don’t deny my part in this because this relationship,  _ we,  _ both of us, destroyed it.”

“We are going through a rough time, it doesn’t mean it’s destroyed.” Alec tried to reason with Magnus because this could not be the end. It just couldn’t. Then, a different thought, as terrifying as the idea of them being apart came to his mind. “Or is that... you don’t love me anymore?” 

Magnus laughed, it was the farthest thing to amusement or happiness that Alec had heard in his life.

“We are miserable. Don’t you see it, darling?” Magnus’ voice was gentle as if he were talking to a child. It left a bittersweet taste in his mouth. “I do love you, is just… we just can’t stand being together… or apart. So we are miserable."

"Do you remember what you told me when you proposed to me?” Alec nodded, his stomach dropped, not really knowing what was about to come but sensing it wouldn’t be good. “That you would be by my side for as long as I would have you. I love you, Alexander but I won’t have you anymore.”

Alec had thought that the day Magnus asked him for a divorce had been the worst day of his life. He was wrong.


End file.
